Betty ford says i'm here all night
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
