my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Randomize
