so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
