Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
