i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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