Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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