honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
