Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
