More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
