let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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