Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
