You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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