11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
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