3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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