Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Randomize
