Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
