Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
