I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
It's shark week go big or go home
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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