never play flip cup with pint glasses
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
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