Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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