You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
