hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
