Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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