You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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