I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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