This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Randomize
