guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You can't just leave with hair like that
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
