my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
