Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
