He asked to "fluff my boner.."
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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