well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
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