Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
