so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
