my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
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