Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
