I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
