I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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