found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
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