he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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