You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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