now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
