Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
