I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
