i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
