I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
