Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
this just has baby written all over it
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
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