oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
