Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
