Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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