We named our party play list daddy issues
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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