yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
