my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
