i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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