I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
