Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
