Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Randomize
