dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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